Photo-Illustration: Intelligencer; Photos: Getty Images; Alamy Photo
President Trump’s summer is off to a terrible start. The lineup for the Great American State Fair concert series on the National Mall was full of ’80s and ’90s has-beens. Even they refused to perform at his MAGA-fied celebration of America’s 250th birthday. Now our appearance-obsessed president, who fancies himself a great builder, is being brutally roasted over a renovation project that turned the Reflecting Pool into a bright-green literal swamp.
There is one solution to both of these problems, and it could bring together young and old, Democrat and Republican, in a beautiful celebration of America’s past and our shared cultural identity.
It’s time for some Turtle Power.
I don’t mean harnessing the spirit of resilience and brotherhood represented by the Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles’ iconic catchphrase. America needs four guys in rubber Leonardo, Donatello, Raphael, and Michelangelo costumes, standing in front of an ooze-colored Reflecting Pool and performing “Ninja Rap” — stat.
Trump’s go-to solution is always more Trump. After the Great American State Fair humiliation, he announced he was replacing the concert series with two Trump rallies. Instead of laughing with Americans about the undeniably hilarious Reflecting Pool renovation gone wrong, he’s deployed the National Guard to protect the pool from an imaginary band of pro-algae saboteurs.
Trump is squandering a tremendous opportunity to lean into millennial nostalgia. You know who didn’t pull out of the Great American State Fair? Vanilla Ice. He’s still set to perform on Friday night. And guess who he brought onstage at the 2024 Mar-a-Lago New Year’s Eve party? Everyone’s favorite heroes in a half-shell:
In a profile of Vanilla Ice (real name: Robert Van Winkle), The Atlantic reported that he’s been “scheming about a souped-up version of the show he regularly puts on for the ongoing I Love the ’90s Tour,” hinting that he may be accompanied by the four Ninja Turtles.
But why stop with one performance? Washington’s whole America 250 celebration can be revamped to appeal to millennials and the Gen-Zers who long for the ’90s. Set up some Slip ’N Slides on the South Lawn. Show the new He-Man movie on huge screens around the Ellipse. Have Transportation secretary Sean Duffy organize a Real World/Road Rules reunion. Hand out free Nickelodeon Green Slime Popsicles and personal pan pizzas (the president has an in with Pizza Hut). Trump’s pool guy, John J. Cafaro, already looks like he’s cosplaying a Dick Tracy villain. Pop a fedora on him and have him work the crowd.
Top it all off with Vanilla Ice and Michelangelo performing “Ice Ice Baby” in front of the nuclear-green Reflecting Pool as Trump pumps his fist in the air and doesn’t say a single word. I know, it sounds like too much to even hope for, but it can happen!
This Fourth of July, America needs to party around our toxic ooze pool like it’s 1991. Will this solve any of the very real problems facing our country? Absolutely not. But it will be a hell of a lot more fun that whatever Trump is planning. As Vanilla Ice told TMZ, “It’s life, liberty, and the pursuit of happiness, and you gotta get out and pursue it. With dance.” Cowabunga, dude.
